🔗 Share this article

As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners once more.

Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, frequently causing lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.

• The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.